Well now. I do so dislike starting off my missives with such negatories as those lame sounding apologies for being MIA for such an extended length of time. As I posted this I saw that my last monthly pearl of wisdom was way back in November. Some punctual pontificator I claim to be. You’d think I could at least come up with a pithy monthly Quote or gratifying picture. Looks like October, November and December were shut outs in that department.
Anyways, Wow. I cannot believe that I am where I am. I cannot believe that I am sitting here, in a new year, contemplating what my life has become and where it is going. I’ve had such harsh, mind-bending and just plain heartbreaking changes just in the last month that I honestly just feel a bit lost.
I have to say that looking back upon this past year in particular; it was by far one of the most challenging and difficult ones I have dealt with. Granted, that although many changes of mostly the uncomfortable has happened processing the motions of the unrelenting vast sea of my life, I think I have accepted as much as I can at this moment in time.
First and foremost, this past year in perspective terms had grasped my focus almost completely away from myself. I am in every way, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and most of all mentally drained. I have given everything I am and had to everyone but myself, most of all to one person particularly. To say that I am exhausted at this moment is certainly an understatement.
It would be very naive and certainly incorrect if I were to say that I am anywhere near perfect. I do not think it is completely necessary for me to state that no one human is. I have come to terms that I am at least at the understanding that the one person I put all of my faith, life and love into may have thought that I needed to be closer to whatever complete “perfection” I wasn’t.
My good friends are supporting me through this. I think everyone has had some little encounter with his or her departed one, or at least some sort of breakup. Something has left that bad taste in my mouth, (more like my heart), and I have moved to support myself, to say I’d done the right thing. All this sometime later, I suppose it is good to have validation of such, especially so since it seems that only lately am I trying my best to come to a true and honest peace with it.
There’s a cornball homily that things “take as long as they take,” and while we go through all the motions, doing what has to be done, perhaps for a while we are running on automatic pilot, going through the motions of a life, even if those lives are punctuated without glorious adventures and meaningful moments along the way. While there has been doubt whether or not “this is the right thing” – feeling my way through it and moving on with my life – there are times that certain feelings rise up like bad chili and you have to deal. And question, and remember, and a whole slew of other perhaps not so fun treadmill exercises of the mind. Let’s just leave the heart out of it for a while.
Several of my caring friends have made noises about this journey, saying that I should leave the past out of it now, and offer no more head space or blog space to anything having a whit to do with, shall we say, my “previous life.” Sure, if I were super human and devoid of emotions and perfect in mind and soul, (and that heart thing), maybe I could just write it off and soldier on, but I think I’ve soldiered fairly well, thank you very much. Be all that as it may, and no disrespect to my well-meaning friends, but, um, it takes as long as it takes. I think Freedom and Peace are just now settling in to my bones, and maybe I’m just now being able to let out that deep breath and relax into my new life.
There have been a few days when I’ve about been turning blue, and breath holding or tantrums are not good things for the body to endure. They are taxing on the mind and psyche as well. Not that I haven’t said this before, and felt like I meant it then, but… I think I’m done. Or at least more done than I have been. You have to watch out for those absolutes – they’ll bite you in the butt every time. Perhaps this blog is just one big aperture.
Let me also say that for every get in bed and pull the covers over my head day, (so very productive, as we all know), there have been equal numbers of jaw dropping moments of adventure and grace and gratitude at the sheer volume of goodness and wonder in my life overall. I have had strange mishaps, and mistakes have been made. I have learned something from everything and every person that has crossed my path at one point or another- for that I am incredibly grateful. I am blessed, and I know it. But I am also human, so the little grey gremlins sneak in under the door sometimes when I was just ambling along, puttering around, maybe not paying enough attention. Or maybe I was paying too much attention – to the wrong things. However, I think I am looking up at this gigantic upside at the foot of the Mountain.
Even the tone and timber of my dreams has changed. Only weeks ago I awoke to the immediate memory of the movie just played in my head, and I had been my own witness to sitting next to an empty shell of a “partner,” one that had nothing to give and nobody home. Now that sounds cold and cruel and totally unsympathetic, but that’s what it needs to be – (mostly – more about that in a minute) – my version of my truth. Even if that is my version of the truth, I still love him and care for him beyond what should be expected. Perhaps I always will. Whatever the parts and physics of all our personal equations, sometimes those parts just don’t add up, and we have to be responsible for our own solutions to the equations that just can’t be balanced. Nobody has to be the bad guy; they can just be the wrong guy, for us. Or unfortunately us for them. I certainly hate this fact, although no one has to go out with pitchforks and torches to rid the neighborhood of an evil monster – maybe it’s time to just move on, and leave the monster to his own devices, and he might do very well for himself with other playmates. At this point, it’s no longer any of our business anyway. (Unless you’ve had children with him or her, and that’s another blog for someone else to write.) Otherwise, thankfully, it can be done and done, and the survivors can go their own ways, out of the ring and no longer to their respective corners before the next round. So I am trying my best to do what is best I suppose, move on already. (I know, Easier Said Than Done Department, for a while anyway.)
As functional human beings, we should be able to do that, and we do have the choice to change. It starts with looking in the big mirror. Sad to say, some of us squander that choice, and happen to think they/we are JUST FINE as they are, and some of them will tell you just that. Well OK then. But I am trying to make myself better– MY choice. Even as I consider Godzilla’s plight, I still have compassion for their darkness, along with those he stomps. But I won’t be living in the dark, and finding myself squashed on the sidewalk in the process.
A wise person once said, “It takes two to tango.” (That’s an easy one to go to since I still want to learn to salsa dance.) Bingo. I played the game, and it took me a long time to put down the dice and pick up the mirror (again). And we all have myriad reasons for staying in the game. That’s why someone invented therapists.
So I take no credit, really, for doing something. The thing I did was the ONLY thing – what I had to do to preserve my safety, sanity, and get back on the road to the rest of my life. Maybe I wasn’t the one who initialized it, but maybe this is the right decision. It was a longish haul to get where I was, and there was no shortcut available to the new blue highway. You simply have to feel what you feel, question it, answer your questions, HONESTLY, and then make tracks for the sky world. There is always the difference in the KNOWING, and the DOING, however. While, way back then, I knew what I had to do, the doing part wasn’t nearly as cut and dried. (Simple, but not so easy, remember?)
Even though I’m stuck in “forward,” which sometimes feels like I am doing it on one leg, with one hand tied behind my back and my eyes closed, I think actually that is more how I got around, (or didn’t), when I was living the not all progression, not embarking on any new direction – refusing to look in the mirror and ask the hard questions, much less consider the answers. Now where I am, it is sometimes hard to get used to having the feeling back in my hands and feet, and seeing with both eyes instead of through the blindfold of my imposed and nurtured blindness to what was – as in that dream, sitting right next to me for all those years. Sort of like the actual pain in your feet or hands when they’ve gone to sleep, then you make a move, and then the blood rushes back in.
For a bit, before my “normal” returns, it hurts- this hurts. Reality hurts, and then I deal. For a while, as long as it takes, I am dealing with the hurt. Even if I do it on autopilot. Even while I sort through the questions I didn’t want to ask and the answers that I don’t want to hear, and find myself smiling through the tears so as not to frighten or disturb the public. After enough time, and work, the smile will hopefully be finally real. The sunlight might hurt my eyes after so much time in the darkness, but I guess when my eyes adjust, there is indeed a world out there, and a life I forgot I had.
And after a little longer, done enough, and learned enough, I am trying to give back. I hope, finally, that is what I’m doing.
However, there are days that I still need sunglasses.
Onward and Outward.