It just goes round and round again

I don’t know how to start this. Right now I hate everything. I hate my life, I hate who I am, what I am, where I am. I am in so much pain, it seems no one understands, cares to, or wants to. I’m just…so stuck. I’ve been walking a long hard road for sometime now….. I’m not sure what I am after. Maybe I just want to be happy deep down, like everyone. For me it seems so allusive…..I mean, I’ve quit job after job…moved from state to state and back. I’ve done pretty much every type of art there is and now I am empty, not sure what to do next. Maybe I’ll be the photographer, the writer, the magician….. and after so much failed….I am on another, what seems like an endless road.
Where does any happiness come from? Does anyone ever really find it? Hell I’ve take photos of some of the most beautiful persons….painted the darkest eyes…brushed the color onto canvass that seemed endless….people say they love my work and I am traveling the world with a very beautiful boy….. it all seems good on the outside to most people……
Yet here I am….alone in my mind. I have no one that calls me, no one that honestly seems to give a Damn whether I am here or not. Now I know that isn’t entirely true, although it seems so much to be…. there are a couple people that care deeply….and I do not take that for granted….
I feel very alone in the world and I know we aren’t supposed to ever show anyone our weaknesses…..but I’ve never really cared too much for rules….
Maybe that’s why I am the over thinking eternal pessimistic optimist….. I know in the end I’ll be ok, but sometimes I guess I just need to spit it out. I think that is healthy for the soul.
Well for now, I sleep in the mind. I continue my quest to become a famous artist, or hopefully just a “something”. I am very thankful for what I have. I wish I wasn’t so troubled, but one day at a time….. just wish I had more people to talk to, but because of the way I grew up… I never learned that skill. If you met me in person, you would never know I have a problem in the world….but unfortunately…. I do.
Well thanks for listening….. I really do hope, think that maybe blue skies are coming my way…. I really do.


About WhatElenaDoes

I'm just a conundrum wrapped in an enigma stuffed into your back pocket.
This entry was posted in Challenges, Honesty, July 2011, Life. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to It just goes round and round again

  1. I feel for your pain. I recognize many of your questions as ones I’ve asked myself.

    I think happiness is not a destination set some where externally that we just find ourselves in one day. I believe it is an internal process; we can have all the best family, friends, job, home, and material possessions in the world or we may have none, but if we can’t find happiness with in ourselves we will never find it out “there.” If I can’t learn to be happy today with what I have and who I am now, tomorrow will be no different.

    I too had a miserable childhood and an adulthood measured by years of loneliness, restlessness and frustration. In the process of fumbling around for happiness I made a lot of serious mistakes that I’m paying for now. I can’t really sum up the how or why in one short comment to your post, but finally I changed within me, and I’ve learned how to make myself happy even though my life is far from perfect and no where near where I dreamed of being.

    I wish you luck trying to find your way. Hang in there. Life is worth waiting for, even on the shitty days.

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